Joy that Near to Me Remains
by DreamWeaver619
Summary: While Kikyou slumbers, waiting for more souls to be brought to her, she dreams of the one man next to Inuyasha she ever loved... Suikotsu Kikyou


Kikyo gazed up at the tree tops from her vantage point of lying upon the forest floor. She impassively waited for her Shinidamachu to bring her the souls of dead women to fuel her body made of dust and grave soil.

Despite lying on the surface of the earth, she was in hell. She did not want to live in a world where she wanted to help and hurt the one she cared for most at the same time. And yet, she did not want to die and be left an afterlife, empty of anyone to greet her as she crossed the threshold between life and death.

Her eyes drooped as she waited. Her mind wondered to the one that was keeping her in this hell of her own free will. The one she loved and hated in the deepest core of her being.

_Inuyasha…_

There was no other man her soul could ever think of loving.

_No…There was one other…_

She decided to let her eyes close fully. At least for a few short moments she would have peace.

Kikyou opened her eyes to blue skies with white fluffy clouds in them, but there were no trees. Sakura petals floated gently through the air like pink snow, but they had no evident source.

However, she was still lying on her back unable to move.

_"Pure has now become impure  
Impure now has become pure…"_

A deep voice was singing the child's song she knew well. She turned her head to the side to see from where it came, and he was sitting there.

"Such a tiresome song…" He sighed before turning his face to her and smiling.

_Suikotsu…_

She stared at him disbelievingly for a moment. He was sitting next to her, his arms resting on one bent knee, while the other leg lay flat. He was still wearing his Shichinintai armor, and his hair hung about his shoulders. Just like the last time she saw him. Though the green stripes were still there on his face, they were faded and less threatening.

"Why are you here? You are--"

"Dead. Yes I am. But my soul has not been damned to hell," he said softly. "Thanks to you."

"Then how…" She stopped as her question was answered when she took in more of her surroundings. They were sitting in the sky, with its fluffy white clouds and the blossoms that came from nowhere. "Am I dead or is this a dream?"

"It is a dream," he answered; there was a touch of sadness in his voice.

Kikyo looked away from him and remained silent, unable to respond. She thought she would have been relieved that she had not yet died completely, but if this had been death it might have not been so bad, and she was further saddened with the knowledge that dreams always came to an end.

"Why can't I move? I do not need souls in a dream world," she asked coldly, still refusing to look at the only man, besides Inuyasha, whom she had let a little of her heart go out to.

"The weight of your sorrow is holding you down," he answered, mimicking her cold tones. "If you could bring yourself to be happy you could move again."

"I… Don't know how…"

It was a terrible realization; she had forgotten how to be happy. Was that why life seemed like hell to her now?

She felt something light and soft caress her cheek. She turned her head to face Suikotsu again. He was now lying on his side next to her, propping his head up with one hand, and in the other he held a beautiful blue flower that she recognized almost instantly. It was a blue bellflower, the flower that was her name sake "Kikyou".

It was a fitting flower for the both of them. He, a physician traveling from village to village healing the sick, and she a priestess trained in the medical arts.

"Remember when that child was sick in the lungs. We used this to cool the burn in his throat," he said gently tracing her face with the flower.

She closed her eyes and smiled, letting herself absorb the feel of the soft flower petals sweeping her face.

"And then we sang songs until they fell asleep. Though I think they enjoyed your voice more than mine." He chuckled.

"You have a lovely voice," she whispered, opening her eyes again. Now it was her turn to smile. "You seemed to soothe every child there with just the sound of it."

Her body felt a little lighter.

"I greatly admired your skills and how you were always so calm and kind," he said wistfully, then lowered his head and blushed. "I think I was a little in love with you."

Kikyo's eyes widened, and then narrowed suspiciously. She had heard that phrase before, and almost always it was dangerous.

"How do I know you are not one of Naraku's illusions sent to manipulate me?" she spat coldly.

The wistful blush and smile disappeared from Suikotsu's face and was replaced with a frown and a wounded look in his eyes. It almost made Kikyou regret making her accusation. Almost.

He shifted his body and lay down on his back, resting his head next to hers with his legs facing the opposite direction from hers.

"Fair point," he murmured, looking intensely at the sky above them. "Is there anything I can do to prove that I am true?"

"None that comes to mind. Naraku is very clever," she answered, matching his intensity.

"Yes he is…" Suikotsu murmured and held the bellflower to his face. There was a thick silence the fell between them like a brick wall before Suikotsu spoke again. "I was always myself you know."

Kikyou shifted her eyes from the sky to him.

"Even when I was one or the other, they were both me. Now I seem myself. If only I had remembered how to "seem" back then, I might have…." He swallowed hard and tears brimmed at the corners of his eyes. "I might have been able to control the darkness and the light within me."

He turned his head to her and smiled. "You helped me remember how to "seem" in the end. When you struck me with your arrow, and released me from the evil that was helping my savage side to gain strength. I remembered myself."

Kikyou refused to look at him; she would not allow him to draw her in. These were all things Naraku could have found in her memory and Suikotsu's to manipulate. However, she could not prevent a sad smile from crossing her lips.

"Yourself," she said, predicting Suikotsu/Naraku's answer. "Dr. Suikotsu."

"No," he said unexpectedly. "He is only one half of me."

Finally, Kikyou turned her head to look at him. That was not an answer she had expected.

"No matter which side I was, I was never a complete person." Suikotsu closed his eyes, letting the tears that had been hanging at the brim of his lids to fall. "The doctor was too weak to protect those he loved, and the warrior killed everything he loved. Neither one could have functioned for too long."

In one of the very times in her life, Kikyo found herself speechless. Perhaps this was not one of Naraku's illusions; after all even if Naraku had read Suikotsu's memories, the puppet would not be so aware of himself in relation to his shifting mental state. And if it was Naraku's plot, wouldn't have used the doctor personality only to lure her in?

Perhaps this really was the real Suikotsu's spirit.

He blinked away one last tear and smiled again. "Then I opened my eyes and saw you there by my side. I realized I would not be left to die alone. Everything was so clear, I had forgotten what it was like to have a clear mind, forgotten what it was like to have my two sides joined, and that's when I remembered how to "seem" myself."

She remembered that well. After her arrow had struck the Shikon jewel in his neck, she had knelt next to his fallen form. He had opened his eyes and smiled at her.

_Lady Kikyou, it's you…_

He had smiled at her, just as he was smiling at her now.

"That is what I wanted to thank you for," he whispered. "For saving my soul."

She frowned and looked away from him. Here it was again, everyone putting her up on a pedestal, only to have their ideal smashed when they found out some of the terrible things she had done.

"I am not the saint you make me out to be. I have done terrible things to people. Even people I have loved most," she hissed, as all the realizations of what her jealous, vengeful blindness had wrought, hit her like an unending tsunami.

"Haven't we all," he said calmly, still smiling at her.

Kikyou looked at him in shock at how simply he had just said words, suddenly mean more than anything to her at that moment.

Inuyasha held this idealistic image of her, and she had proved over and over again that she could never live up to that ideal. And it pained her deep inside to keep disappointing him.

But it was not that way with the man that lay on the sky next to her. He knew what she really was and he understood, because he was the same way. They both suffered the same torment. Of wanting to do the right thing, but being trapped inside unable to control the outcome of their actions

Kikyou swallowed hard, she suddenly felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off her chest. For the first time since she could remember, someone truly understood and empathized with her.

She suddenly wanted to be closer to him. Her body was still mostly paralyzed, but a lot more mobile than before and she was able to get from lying on her back, to her side. In response Suikotsu mimicked the same position.

Their faces were very close now. She could feel his breath on her face. So close.

In this world they were not Kikyou the pure priestess, untouchable by all and Suikotsu, ruthless killer of the Shichinintai, with a soul split in two. They were just Kikyou and Suikotsu.

She closed her eyes as she found his lips. They were warm. Her whole body filled with warmth, like a small sun growing in her chest and radiating out to her limbs. She could move again.

She wrapped her arms around Suikotsu's neck and buried her face in the space where his neck met his shoulder. All the while his gentle lips kissed her hair, her eyes, her cheek and her lips once more.

_Please kami-sama, do not let him be false…I could not stand that now…_

Though she was proud of bearing the trappings and responsibilities of a miko and would not change it when given the choice again, she was so tired of her status. She wanted to be an ordinary woman, like she had once dreamed of being once Inuyasha wished to be a human on the Shikon no Tama.

Suddenly, Suikotsu stopped his kisses and pulled away a little. Kikyou felt a rush of alarm at his sudden distance, even though she was still wrapped in his arms.

"There is not much time," he said sadly. "You will wake soon."

"Yes…" she whispered sadly, comforted that he did not want her to leave, but was letting her go. "Thank you. You would have to be me to truly realize the goodness you have done. For the first time in a long time, it is clear to me what I must do."

"I hope you find the road to peace when you wake. And know I will be here waiting for you when you cross the threshold for the final time. You will not be alone." He smiled again.

He kissed her on the forehead and she rested against his chest.

"What was that song we sang to the children?" he whispered.

"It was the song of true love. A sad song it is," she whispered back.

"How did it go again?"

_"Joy, that near to me remains. Come to me, my true love. Night sinks into the grove," _Kikyou sang softly. _"You are my light and day. Anxiously beats heart on heart. Hope itself soars heavenward." _

"Now I remember the song. I heard it often in younger…better days." Suikotsu narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. "There is another verse. Do I know it still…?"

Kikyou awoke to cold ground and her cold arms, now empty. Bereft of her companion she lay there unmoving and unfocused, taking no notice of her faithful Shinidamachu, recharging her body with newly collected souls.

Slowly she came to her senses and sat up. Something fell from her hair at her movement. Carefully she reached down and picked it up. It was a blue bellflower.

Now she new what to do…

_**Kikyou: **"Joy, that near to me remains,  
Come to me, my true love.  
Night sinks into the grove  
You are my light and day.  
Anxiously beats heart on heart  
Hope itself soars heavenward." _

**Kikyou: **"How true, a sad song.  
The song of true love,  
that must die."

**Suikotsu :** "I know the song.  
I heard it often in younger,  
in better days.  
It has yet another verse--  
Do I know it still?"

**Suikotsu : **"Though sorrow becomes dark,  
Come to me, my true love.  
Lean (to me) your pale face"

**Kikyou&Suikotsu: **"Death will not separate us.  
If you must leave me one day,  
Believe, there is an afterlife."

"Glück, das mir verblieb (Marietta's Lied)," (from _Die Tote Stadt_, by Korngold)

The song "Glück, das mir verblieb (Marietta's Lied)," from the opera _Die Tote Stadt_ by Eric Korngold, made me think of Suikotsu and Kikyou. "Gluck, das mir verblied" more or less translates to "Joy that near to me, Remains"

Also, the pairing of Suikotsu and Kikyou has caught my interest. I really didn't like Kikyou at first, she was bitchy and cold and mean, but then I saw the Suikotsu episodes and saw she still had a heart deep down, it allowed me a lot more sympathy for her tormented state.


End file.
